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The Carousal Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo arse the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
-Anonymous
Doh! A beer! I want a beer....
Ray, the guy who buys me beer.
Me, the guy who Ray buys beer...
Far, the way to go for beer.
So, I think I’ll have a beer...
La, la la la la la la.
Tea? No thanks I’ll have a beer...
And that brings us back to Doh! doh! doh!
-Homer Simpson
Common Phrases and Beer
In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold the whiskey to the medical students... thus the term "rot gut."
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
-Henry Lawson
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemmingway
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-Homer Simpson
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemmingway
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa
Ahh, Beer: The cause and solution to all life's problems.
-Homer Simpson
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
-Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
-Anonymous
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
-David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-Anonymous
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Anonymous
Beer is good food.
-Anonymous
You don't like jail?
Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
-Charles Bukowski
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
-Anonymous
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
-Anonymous
Beer: Nature's laxative.
-Anonymous
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
-Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
-A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart
Draft beer, not people!
-Anonymous
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
-David Geary
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-Edward Abbey
I drink to make other people interesting.
-George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
-Washington Irving
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
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